Get Cincinnati Reds Fans Back in the Stands

So, in case you hadn’t noticed, the Reds haven’t gotten off to the greatest start. Actually, they’ve gotten off to their worst start ever. Like, literally ever. Their (currently) 3-20 record is a franchise worst. 

After a frustrated Phil Castellini told fans to “just have a little faith” and “where ya gonna go?”, the Reds have collapsed in historic fashion, and fans have noticed. It’s hard to see how many fans have actually been attending games, as the Reds report tickets sold vs. actual attendance, but it’s clear that attendance has taken a huge hit.

Since Phil declared the quiet part out loud, we now know that there are essentially no real plans on making the Reds a competitive team. In short, they’re being positioned as simply another fun summer activity for the family. Don’t go to the ballpark to watch good baseball. Come to have a good time! 

We’re not competing against the Cardinals or Cubs. We’re competing with the swimming pool.

Knowing that the goal is not to be competitive, I have some surefire ways to make the team exciting again. Implement these ideas, and fans will flood to the ballpark.

Fan of the Game Gets to Be in Starting Lineup

For real. Wouldn’t that be awesome? About twenty minutes before the start of gametime, Mr. Redlegs runs through the ballpark to find the lucky fan that gets to be a Cincinnati Red for the day. Everyone who comes to the ballpark has a chance. 

If this gets implemented, sign me up for season tickets today!

Sign Barry Larkin to Play Shortstop

If the movie industry has shown us anything, it’s that nostalgia motivates people to buy things. Bringing back the veteran Hall-of-Famer is sure to excite fans. If you’re worried about him being a defensive liability, just slide him over to third base. There’s no way he’s worse than Colin Moran or Mike Moustakas!

Install a Swimming Pool at GABP

If you’re competing with the summer swimming pool, why not install your own? 

Sign a Golden Retriever to Play Center Field

Come on. Admit it. Now that the image is in your head, you want to see it. 

Imagine the scene: It’s the 9th inning. Reds are (somehow) beating the Cardinals by one run. Jeff Hoffman has been brought in to close the game. With one out to go and one runner on, Reds-Killer, Yadier Molina, comes to the plate. After the booing subsides, Hoffman settles in, steps back and throws.

*CRACK*

Yadi has crushed a hanging slider to dead center field. Everyone holds there breath. It’s going to be close.

Out of nowhere, a Golden Retriever (let’s name it Redleg) comes streaking across the field. Just before the ball clears the yard, Redleg rebounds off the center field wall and catches the ball mid-air. 

Cincinnati’s new favorite athlete just saved the day.    

This would instantly go down as one of the top sports moments in Cincinnati history. 

Have the Reds Sing, “We Don’t Talk about Marge Schott” in between innings

Nothing adds a little fun than a musical number, and no musical number is catchier than “We Don’t Talk About Bruno.” With the worst opening record in team history, why not make them look even sillier by having them parody Disney songs? It would be tons of fun for the fans!

And if you’re wondering who Marge Schott is, all I can say is this: We don’t talk about Marge Schott.

Actually Have a Good Team

If my more…creative ideas don’t do the trick for you, I’ve got an old school one. Put a good team on the field. A winning team will bring fans back. 

Until then, “where ya gonna go?”

The answer is the swimming pool.